Leaving an abusive relationship can feel like an impossible task, especially when there are children involved. The thought of co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner can bring on feelings of fear that the abuse will continue and shame that the conflict of co-parenting will impact the children. Finding a sense of safety, an important aspect for survivors of domestic violence, can feel that much more unattainable. Parallel parenting after abuse can be an avenue to build safety for both the survivor and the children.
What is Parallel Parenting and Why is it Important for Survivors?
Parallel parenting is a form of parenting that minimizes communication, is child-focused, and reduces opportunities for control and manipulation. The focus is controlling the parenting style in your home and providing a consistent environment. This approach is trauma-informed, meaning that it not only takes the children’s safety into consideration, but it can be an effective protective strategy for survivors of domestic violence to find autonomy, safety, and protection. This is not a lesser method, or a step down from co-parenting, it is a different way to navigate the context of your circumstances.
The Importance of Safety and Predictability
It is well known that establishing emotional and physical safety is the foundation for healing. Parallel parenting removes many of the triggers and opportunities for conflict, providing both the parent and the children consistency without continuing to experience distress. While the nervous system is healing from existing in an unsafe relationship, it can also provide you with the information you need to safely navigate this new normal. Survivors often develop a superpower – a deep awareness of power dynamics and social cues. This adaptive skill once meant for keeping safe in an unsafe relationship can now serve as a wisdom to build boundaries that prevent harm.
Practicing Parallel Parenting
The basics of this parenting method are simple, but it is a process of learning and adapting to each unique family dynamic.
- Communicate in writing only
- Keep exchanges brief, in-public if needed, use school as a buffer, or support services for exchange
- Keep parenting time as routine as possible
- Communicate in a way that is child-focused
- Work with a therapist or parenting coach for additional support
How Parenting Sessions and Therapy Can Help
In my work with parents coming from high-conflict separations or abusive relationships, there is a sense of empowerment that comes after finding a way to navigate a dynamic that may have created fear, resentment, or the belief that they are a bad parent. With support, it is possible to create a space that feels safe and stable for both you and your children. Choosing safety is possible.
Coaching for parents and survivors is a tool meant to support finding safety, structure, autonomy, and confidence in your parenting journey.
Sydney
