Written by Sydney Maharaj-Nicholson
Living in a family comes with unique challenges, complexities, and compromises that take patience and interpersonal skills to navigate. Now imagine throwing the word “step” in there – stepfamilies come with unique challenges that can be extremely isolating and difficult to navigate. Even though stepfamilies are more common now, there is little information and support available – especially in rural communities. Awareness of the common challenges that this unique family type faces can support child development and safety.
You’re on the Inside, I’m on the Outside.
Stepfamilies have a dynamic called stuck insider and stuck outsider positions. This describes one parent – the biological parent of the stepcouple – feeling stuck on the inside, and the stepparent feeling stuck on the outside. The parent can feel a push and pull of attuning to their child and meeting the needs of their partner. This is a balancing act that we expect parents to move into with ease and the skill level of a tightrope walker. On the other hand, stepparents can be stuck with feelings of rejection, isolation, jealousy, and loneliness. It can be difficult to take a step back so the parent can attune to their child in a new relationship. Stepsiblings can also suffer from stuck outsider and insider positions depending on parenting time. Daily routines for attuning to both the children and stepparents can help with this big transition. For stepsiblings, providing each child with some personal space can support the big feelings of stuck insider and outsider positions.
Something New and Exciting for the Stepcouple – Loss, Loyalty Binds, and Too Much Change for the Children.
A loyalty bind may sound like something cool out of a fantasy novel, but it’s not. Children will sometimes feel that developing a relationship with their stepparent is a betrayal of their parent living in the other home. These feelings are exponentially higher when conflict is high between homes. Parents can plan intentional one on one time with the child, and attuning to them is important if you notice loyalty binds forming. Authoritative parenting (PACE parenting – playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy) creates resilience in children, making it easier to transition into a new family dynamic. Validating steparent’s feelings, in private, will support feelings of rejection.
Parenting Tasks – Am I a Parent Now?
There are no guidebooks for stepparents when it comes to taking on a parenting role in the new family unit. There is no moment, like the birth of a child or signing the adoption papers, that secures the “parent” label for stepparents. This can be confusing and stressful for everyone involved. Stepparents and parents can experience the children in different ways and sometimes come from different parenting perspectives. Where the most common conflict for first time couples is finances, it is parenting for stepcouples. Loving and firm parenting is important, especially when navigating a new stepfamily dynamic. In the beginning, the stepparent can take on the role of a teacher for the child and sub for the parents. Connecting with the child over shared interests is a great way to build that initial relationship. If the parent is away, the stepparent can “sub” in for the parent to enforce the rules of the house.
But This Board Game is for Two Players Only!
New family dynamics means new family culture. Two-player games with just dad and son have now become another loss for the child once the stepparent is added into the mix. Creating a new family culture, again, requires a skilled balancing act of interpersonal skills. Both child and the new couple require individual attention to thrive, but how do you blend as a family? It comes with the mundane – the daily routines, the habits, the small moments throughout the day. A new family culture can be a bumpy road, but worth it in the end.
What Do You Mean My Ex is Still My Family?
That’s right – the ex-partner is a part of the family. Children thrive when parenting is collaborative and conflict free. Conflict is a big predictor of low-self esteem, compromised social and cognitive competence, lower academic achievement, and poorer subsequent romantic relationships. Shared parenting time also predicts greater outcomes for children, absent situations where there is domestic violence, mental illness, or extremely high conflict. If collaborative parenting isn’t possible, low-conflict parallel parenting is an alternative. When the stepparent is a stepmother, this adds an additional layer of complexity. Both mothers and stepmothers fear being perceived as a bad parent. Stepmothers who move into the parenting role early on can create friction in the relationship with the ex-spouse. The mother can fear losing their children to another woman. When both mothers can develop the tools to engage with their insecurity in their own time and make room for each other, children thrive.
If you are having a hard time navigating stepfamily life, you are not alone. There is a way to work through these challenges by adjusting how you show up in these relationships.
~Sydney
For more information or how to book your first appointment:
Call 613-701-7574 or email us at info@ksrc.ca
