Individuals often come into therapy asking,
“Why do I keep drinking or using substances, even though it’s causing so many problems?”
or saying,
“Part of me wants to quit… and part of me doesn’t.”
This internal conflict is not a sign of failure or weakness – it’s a sign of inner complexity and unmet needs. Within each person, there are multiple parts, each with their own fears, hopes, and protective roles. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, the part of you that uses substances is not “bad” or “broken.” It often carries a deep intention to help – to protect you from pain, to help you relax, to make connection easier, or to bring relief when life feels overwhelming. This is a well-intentioned part of you that seeks to find relief immediately, regardless of the consequences.
Before we can create lasting change, it helps to understand what job the substance is doing in your internal system.
Step One: Getting Curious About What the Substance Is Doing for You
If you’re struggling with your relationship to substances, a good starting place is to ask with curiosity – not judgment:
- What happens for me when I [drink, use, binge]?
- What happens inside of me before I reach for it?
- What needs are being met when I [drink, use, binge]?
Substance use often serves nervous system and social-emotional needs:
- Regulate overwhelm or ease tension when life feels too fast, too tense, or too loud
- Take a break or rest from constant responsibility, performance, and demands
- Numb or disconnect from emotional or physical pain
- To shift state by creating energy, stimulation, or focus when feeling depleted
- To soothe hypervigilance by reducing chronic alertness or fear after trauma
- Create predictability by bringing a sense of control or routine to an unpredictable life
- Reduce shame-based activation to quiet an inner critic or discomfort of self-judgment
- Feel belonging or acceptance with peers or to fit in socially
- Reduce social anxiety to make interaction or vulnerability feel safer
- Access confidence or self-expression by temporarily quieting self-doubt or inhibition
- Cope with loneliness or isolation and simulate connection or warmth
- Avoid conflict or rejection to preserve relationships without addressing tension
- Experience pleasure or joy when life feels heavy or empty, or to enhance celebratory and positive feelings
- Preserve identity or familiarity by holding onto old versions of self or community tied to substance use
And of course, there is the neurobiological component – the brain’s reward system learns that substances provide quick relief or pleasure, reinforcing the cycle. But, underneath that reinforcement are often real, valid needs for comfort, safety, or connection.
Step Two: Understanding Your Nervous System’s Role
From a Polyvagal perspective, substance use can be seen as an attempt to move toward regulation and safety. When the nervous system becomes overwhelmed – stuck in hyper-arousal (anxiety, stress, urgency) or hypo-arousal (numbness, exhaustion, shutdown) – the body seeks ways to come into balance. Substances can simulate that state of “ventral vagal” safety, offering a fleeting sense of calm, connection, confidence, or presence.
However, this sense of regulation is borrowed and only temporary. Over time, the nervous system can become even more dysregulated and depend on the false sense of comfort the substance provides. True change involves finding new ways to help the body feel safe – through practices that meet needs of real connection and safety, such as:
- Deep breathing and grounding to ride the waves of cravings/urges/discomfort and to expand tolerance
- Co-regulation with supportive people and communities
- Gentle movement, nature, or rhythm (walking, dancing, music)
- Mindfulness, body awareness, and self-compassion practices
- Therapy spaces where all parts of you can have a voice, feel seen and understood
Step Three: Making Space for the Parts That Fear Change
Change rarely happens because one part “wins” over another. Instead, it unfolds when every part of you feels heard and understood. You might notice parts that are ready to quit – tired of the consequences, longing for a new chapter or a healthier version of yourself. And, other parts that resist – afraid of losing comfort, identity, or connection.
You can ask yourself:
- What am I afraid will happen if I no longer [drink, use, binge]?
- What does this part of me need to feel more comfortable about change?
Sometimes people say, “I’m scared that I will miss it.” That’s the anticipation of grief showing up. The substance may have been a companion during lonely nights or hard transitions. It may have offered a sense of relief or belonging when nothing else did. And you may not only grieve the substance, but what it represented: safety, escape, control, or connection. Grief is a normal, human part of recovery and change. It deserves tenderness, not shame.
Sometimes, people say “I’m scared that I won’t know how to live life or who I am without it.” That may be a sense of helplessness showing up. You may find yourself re-learning who you are – clarifying your values, needs, preferences, and goals. This is a process that deserves attention and support so you can empower yourself with options and resources.
Step Four: Moving Toward Sustainable Change
Lasting change doesn’t come from willpower alone – it comes from building new ways to meet old needs. As you shift your relationship with substances, you may also be reshaping how you:
- Have fun and experience pleasure
- Relax and rest
- Connect with others and build community
- Cope with stress and emotional pain
- Relate to yourself, your feelings, and align actions with values
Therapy can be a space to help your nervous system learn safety from the inside out, and to help your internal parts work together rather than against each other. Through curiosity, compassion, and connection, the system can begin to reorganize around growth and healing rather than control or punishment.
If you notice an inner battle about changing your substance use, try pausing to listen to all sides. You don’t need to force a decision. Start by understanding every part of you, especially the ones that use or resist change – these have a protective reason for being there.
With compassion and support, those reasons can be heard, cared for, and eventually transformed.
Change begins not by fighting your system, but by befriending it.
