Written By Chuck LeBlanc
One of the biggest things that comes up around holidays
for a lot of people is setting boundaries,
particularly with family.
So, as you can imagine if you are someone that has difficulties setting boundaries and feel pulled around by your family at the best of times there’s a whole other level boundary that need to be set this year with COVID. So, typically in therapy, we would be spending time with our clients walking people through that, reminding them that they’re allowed to set boundaries and in some case practising what that would look like. A lot of the work is around things like remembering, that you are not a child, you can make your decisions and you can keep yourself safe. As well as remembering that you don’t have to engage with things that don’t feel safe. Those are a lot of the themes that we revisit with clients when setting boundaries with family. It really has a lot to do with giving yourself permission to remind yourself,
“I am allowed to feel safe; I deserve to engage in a way that feels okay for me, I don’t have to be guilted by this family member who’s trying to make me come to something that I don’t feel comfortable with”.
So where do we start with getting more comfortable setting boundaries?
It begins by checking in with yourself about what does and does not feel okay for you? As Meagan Cumming a psychotherapist at the Kemptville Stress Relief Center (KSRC) calls it seeking out your “Yes? Or no?”. In therapy you can spend time working on imagining the scenarios, thinking deeply about it, and checking in with your body. Is that a yes or no? And if it’s no, what’s so no about it? And how can we shift some things within that scenario that make you feel more comfortable?
So, for example, if someone was invited to a 12-person gathering, and their body was like, “no, I don’t like that”. Then they can sit back and think okay, what’s no about that? Is it the number of people that will be there inside the house? Okay, what suggestion might fit well for you? Maybe the answer looks more like feeling comfortable sitting on the front porch and talking for 20 minutes at a distance. Then the next step from there could be, “Okay, how am I going to communicate that boundary? Now that you know where it is? How would you like to communicate it?
One technique used in therapy that can be useful to practice has to do with jotting notes down about how you are going to handle that conversation including the reasons why you are going to stick to your boundary. Writing full sentences about your reasons can help you in the middle of the conversation with the family member you are setting boundaries with. As they keep pushing and trying to convince you, you can simply look at your piece of paper and keep repeating your reasons to them.
Boundary setting can seem incredibly daunting
…especially for those individuals that may find it difficult to check in with themselves and understand where their no’s and yes’s are. I am thinking in my practice specifically there are lot of men who are not the most in touch with their feelings or able to connect how they are feeling in the body with the emotions that may be present for them. This can make it very difficult to figure out what their no’s actually are. So instead of following those feelings and keeping themselves safe they could end up giving into their families request and put themselves in a situation they feel deeply uncomfortable with. They are still at the point where they are trying to label those emotions and connection. They can sometimes see what the body is doing, but they do not know what it means. So how do you come to the understanding that you have the right to say no when you may be that disconnected from your feelings? How do you do that?
If you don’t know what your feelings are, or you cannot quite pinpoint your yes or no. There are some other signals you can start to pay attention to. There is a feeling in your body that may be subtle at first but typically shows up when someone is trying to convince you to do something. It can feel like a push and a pull or a leaning in or leaning away from. The push or leaning in can almost feel like a sensation in the middle of your back that’s pushing you forward. The pull or leaning away from can almost feel like a rope has been tied to your spine and its yanking you away. If you pay close attention to that feeling you can almost hear your body saying “run” or “go for it”. So, if your body’s telling you to run, “run”. Because this probably means that you have found your “no”. So how can we build more awareness and then safety around finding this no?
Shannon Sweeting-Woods a therapist with us at the KSRC explains that if mapping the body has not been done ahead of time, then it can be practised by first orienting to the sensations the body is giving off and then explore how you assess and label those sensations. People who are more cognitive or have had less practice or familiarity with checking in with their body can start by asking themselves really basic tuning in questions:
How do I feel? What do I know? And then what do I need?
You can start by practising asking these questions in basic scenarios like going outside in the cold. Ok, I’m outside and I’m cold. How do I feel? I feel cold. What do I know? Well, I know when I drink a cup of hot tea, I feel better. What do I need? Okay, I need to make a cup of tea.
Once you are able to work through these questions you will then be able to identify how you feel about what you are being asked and from there you can start to connect with which parts of this scenario has “no” written all over it and where the boundaries are. This way you can identify what you need in those situations and better understand how to make those needs heard and met.
If you’re asking yourself “How do I set boundaries for myself?”, please schedule an appointment to connect with one of our counsellors.
To connect with one of our counsellors, call 613-701-7574 or email us at info@ksrc.ca
