Written by Chuck LeBlanc

The Emotional Burden on Men

I’ve been fortunate to know incredibly talented people in my life, including my two best friends who are musicians. For over 25 years, I’ve enjoyed a front-row seat to their musical journey, listening to everything from ballads to anthems. Recently, as I’ve been navigating life in my 40s, both as a man and a father, one song has particularly resonated with me: ‘Put Up My Best’ by Jon Beals. This song, more of an anthem really, captures the experiences common to many men in our age group. It’s a lively, pirate rock tune that delves into the deep emotional struggles men often face while striving to be their best for those around them.

In both my personal experience and practice, I’ve noticed a recurring theme in men’s lives: the societal expectation to be strong and stoic. This often leads to a hidden struggle with emotions like sadness, frustration, and a sense of emptiness, despite outward appearances of confidence and pride.

The Need for Emotional Connection

What’s particularly striking is the ’emotional silo’ effect – even when these difficult emotions are suppressed, the need for emotional connection persists. Misunderstandings or feeling ignored can intensify this need, raising questions about our challenges in forming connections. Are these challenges due to a fear of vulnerability, a misunderstanding of our emotional states, or a lack of language to articulate our feelings?

Desire to Connect and Show Resilience

This drive towards emotional connection comes up again and again in many of the themes both in my personal life and with my clients. This drive expresses itself through dedication to work, caring for others, and pursuing self-improvement, despite uncertainties. Due to the challenges men can face with respect to their identity as men, and their upbringing, they may find themselves unable to communicate this desire for connection and would rather hope that the people around them can figure it out. These challenges can further entrench us in the silos which not only increases our loneliness but also leaves us feeling and in some cases being misunderstood.

The Emergence of Inner Resilience

Occasionally, a remarkable sense of resilience surfaces, driven by a glimmer of hope for deeper connection, understanding, or simply the desire to be seen and loved. This hope, though small, can be a formidable force for positive change.

The Drive to Thrive

In therapy, I often refer to Spinoza’s concept of ‘Conatus,’ which signifies an inherent drive in all beings to thrive in their environments. This principle embodies the idea of an intrinsic force pushing us forward, regardless of challenges. It’s this force that ignites hope, guiding us toward a fulfilling life, even as we face our inner struggles. Combined with a sense of duty and resilience, this can hope enables us to overcome even the most daunting challenges.

~ Chuck LeBlanc

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