Contributed by Katie Cassidy, MA, RP(Q)
Wondering how to talk to your kids about the situation that is going on?
By now you are aware how stressful and panic-ridden this COVID situation has us all feeling.
Because kids do not have the same capacity to express or understand emotions as adults do, they are often left feeling misunderstood and overwhelmed.
Here are some good guidelines we invite you to follow.
Validate and reassure
Validate your child’s emotions. Say things like, “Yes, this is a scary time.” “Yes, it is hard dealing with the unknown.” “Yes, of course, you are frustrated and cranky about not being able to hang out with your friends.”
Only AFTER you have validated their fears, reassure them.
Remind them that what we are doing is for our safety; that the adults are doing their very best to make sure everyone is ok; that they can trust and rely on you to take care of the important things like food, money, shelter, etc.
You will likely have to go through the validation and reassurance process many, many times even in a day.
Keep in mind that children most often can’t articulate what’s bothering them and will communicate their stress through actions. Remember that a “bad” kid is extremely likely to be a stressed kid who can’t communicate.
Keep their age in mind
Be age-appropriate. Use age-appropriate language and terms. Provide information with lesser or greater detail according to your child’s age, and gear the conversation with them to their age group. The older the child, the more detail they require.
Be available for your kid’s emotions. Remember that even when your child is not verbalizing their fears, they are still feeling them. Open up frequent conversations with them about how they are feeling.
You know your child best. Be aware of what your child is trying to tell you. Are they hovering while you make supper and they don’t usually? Maybe they want to talk or are nervous but don’t know how to express it.
Keep them in the loop
Information matters, even to kids. How many times do you pick up your phone to check the news for updates? Kids also want to know what’s up, so keep them in the loop. When kids don’t have factual information, their imaginations and fears fill in the blanks. Again, use age-appropriate language to let them know what is going on and what your family is doing to address it. Example-“This is why we wash our hands for 20 seconds, etc.”
Get support for yourself
Of course, you are also afraid from time to time, and feeling anxious. In order to be a resource for your kids, you need support too. Identify a few safe and supportive people with whom you can have serious conversations about your fears, and BE SURE to have these conversations when your kids are not around.
It’s important to be transparent with your kids about the fact that you are afraid or anxious, and that you can be anxious and OK. Telling them you’re not upset is a confusing message, and confusion leads to anxiety. Being clear that you are anxious makes it OK for them to be anxious too. It normalizes their anxiety, and helps them develop their emotional intelligence.
But they don’t need to know the details of your fears. You and other adults can discuss the logistics (stocking up on food, and what the plan is if you get sick, etc.) when the kids are not around.
It is completely normal and ok to be a bit nervous or stressed out around your child. Showing them more than that will most likely make your child feel even more anxious than they do. Kids look to their parents for reassurance.
If you’re feeling anxious, you can even invite your child to join you in some self-care activities. You can say something like, “I’m feeling a bit antsy right now because I’m anxious. Let’s do a few jumping jacks together.” or “Let’s put a song on and dance around a bit.” This kind of modelling is very powerful in the moment and for the future.
At the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre, we are open for business, providing phone and video sessions to support our clients. If you would like professional support to weather this storm, please call 613-868-9642 or email us at info@compassionatesupport.ca.
