Moms Unscripted!
An exploration of how to transform your experience of motherhood
Part 2
Written by Shannon Sweeting-Woods, MSW, RSW
Welcome back to our exploration of scripts in motherhood! I am curious what came up for you when you considered how scripts affect your life and the way you relate to motherhood. We may have shared scripts about motherhood that we find ourselves trying to live by, and some different scripts too. If you have yet to identify scripts that show up for you, take a moment with me now.
You might get curious about moments when you hear an inner voice that sounds critical or judgmental; or moments when you feel like you aren’t doing enough; or moments when you notice that infamous mom guilt hanging around, too close for comfort. During these times, what script are you trying to enact?
I have many. My fellow moms have many. The people I work with have many.
What is a script about motherhood that I find myself living by?
One of the loudest scripts I hear is: I am a mom so I am supposed to be able to handle it! Have you ever said that to yourself? Have you ever had that said to you? Whatever your own scripts are, I invite you to follow along as we unpack this one together.
So, what exactly is “it”?
Well, it is everything! The statement is designed to transcend any possible issue, task, or responsibility that could come up in motherhood. Unwanted pregnancy? Handle it. Infertility? Handle it. Childbirth? Handle it. Sleep deprivation? Breastfeeding? Taking care of a toddler while being pregnant and sick? Making sure your baby gets the right kind of developmental play? Cooking the right foods for the household? Keeping a clean house? All at the same time?! Handle. IT!
What happens when we don’t feel like we are handling “it”? Perhaps this is when feelings of not being good enough or being a failure or being inadequate creep in. Before we know it, we are scrambling after the impossible task of handling it all under the illusion that somehow other mothers are in fact handling it all (false). We find ourselves hoping that being able to live out this script will leave us feeling worthy of being a mother (false). But here is the thing: No one person was ever supposed to handle it all! Ironically, in this pursuit, we often end up part of the play, reinforcing the script itself, and feeling more isolated by the day in our shared reality that it is not possible.
So, could there be a different way? Could we believe that we are inherently worthy as mothers regardless of how much we handle? Could we liberate each other from the pressures of upholding this script? It’s hard to change scripts that have been written for so long; there are a few questions we can explore to support us in feeling ready to make this change.
Who wrote the script and based upon what?
Where does this idea that mothers are supposed to be able to handle it all come from? We all may have different ideas (or scripts) about this. We might be aware of being given a message from the time we were born about our purpose in life; about how being a mom must be our goal; must be our job. We might confront the reality that if you are born with a vagina you are socialized from birth to believe that your purpose is to reproduce and become a mother; to be a caretaker; to be inherently nurturing. And what about the media? Is it possible that being able to handle it all is often portrayed as being possible; doable; or better yet desirable? Let’s not forget perhaps one of the strongest influences these days, social media. Is it not so easy to perceive from social media that other mothers do uphold this script, sometimes even, with ease?
A whole book could be written about where this script comes from. It might unpack socially constructed gender roles and expectations to understand why this script feels as though it has been etched into our minds. It might analyze how this is an old script that has not kept up with evolving systems, such as women entering the workforce. It might outline how this script is upheld by the systems and structures we find ourselves participating in each day.
On a micro-level, we could explore how family members and friends might play a role in reinforcing these expectations, and how we might play a role in upholding the script as well. Within our own family of origin we might consider how we were (or were not) modeled this idea that moms must be “handlers”.
We might even notice a belief that in some contexts this script has more value or more feasibility. Wherever your exploration takes you, I invite you to question what this script is based upon.
Time to check-in.
Now that you have identified one or more scripts that guide you, and reflected upon who wrote it/where it came from, you might next consider: Who or what benefits from this script being upheld?
You might even feel ready to ask yourself: How is it serving or not serving me?
Click here for part 3 of the Moms Unscripted Blog Series as we continue unpacking these questions in our pursuit of moving into greater alignment with our preferred identity and values. And, at the end of the blog series, you will find the exploratory questions you can use to reflect upon the particular scripts you have identified as guiding you.
Together we can transform our experience of motherhood.
Click Here to jump back to Part 1
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