Written by Sydney Maharaj-Nicholson, RP (Qualifying)
Well, it taught me that I hated being called “stepmom.” I mean – the word is kind of ugly, isn’t it? Evil-mom. NotAReal-mom. Stepmoms everywhere are still coping with being likened to characters like Cinderella’s evil stepmother – did she even have a name? I used to internally cringe every time I referred to myself as stepmom or was referred to as such by someone else. Why? I felt like I didn’t belong as a mother and hearing the word stepmom just reaffirmed that for me. As bonus-parents, it can hurt to correct anyone that refers to you as a bio-parent because it often feels like we are saying we are “less-than.” It can also feel like we are taking away from bio-parents if we don’t make that correction.
When you become a bonus-parent, there is no grand event where you aren’t a parent and then you suddenly become one. There is no birth, no growing a child in your womb, no adoption papers to sign. There is no cookie-cutter moment when you become a parent. In short – it’s complicated. Because there is no grand moment where someone walks out and hands us the “parent badge,” it can be hard to feel like we belong. Brené Brown said, “Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong because you will always find it.” It is so common for human beings to look for external confirmation to reaffirm that we belong. As bonus-parents it can be difficult to feel like part of the family because members of our blended families perceive us in different ways. Does the child see you as a parent? There may be bio-parents in the picture creating another layer of complexity. Your role is negotiated not only with the self, but also those around you. Do you know what role you want to play in the blended family? Checking in with yourself to develop the space you want to take in the family can make navigating these muddy waters a little more clear.
If you are a bonus-parent and this resonated with you, you are not alone. Finding our belonging is an incredibly daunting process. Identifying as a parent can come with many complicated and conflicted feelings. Being adaptive and compassionate with yourself are important factors of a bonus-parent life. For example, talking to yourself the way you would talk to a dear friend in those difficult moments. If you know another bonus-parent, reach out for support. Finally, you are valid whether you want to be seen as a parent or not.
~ Sydney
To connect with Sydney or any one of our counsellors,
613-701-7574, info@ksrc.ca or explore our website to see who you connect to.
