As a man, I was taught…

By Charles (Chuck) Leblanc, MA

Growing up, I was bombarded with sayings like, “suck it up” and “toughen up,” or teased for my “crocodile tears.” I was taught that, as a man, I was to swallow my feelings and take care of my problems on my own.

I had a loving family. My father was sensitive, and wore his heart on his sleeve, but the “typical guy” culture was—and still is–everywhere. In our culture, males are forced to play the tough guy role, to power through when we are feeling down, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed.

It can seem normal to burn the candle at both ends by working too many hours to provide for the family, feeling the weight of missing out as a necessary sacrifice.

It may feel like having too many feelings or asking for help is a sign of weakness.

It feels this way because that is exactly how we were taught, and that is exactly the problem.

By acting tough, denying our feelings, and not being present in or daily lives, we are not actually living. This takes a massive toll on our mental health.

The harmful effects of the way men are taught to act in our culture, and the lifelong effects of bullying, are what motivated me to become a therapist.

I suffered from anxiety and depression–including thoughts of suicide—because of the severe bullying I experienced in school and the overbearing effects of a culture that would not allow me to be “sensitive” and discuss what was going on with me.

In my twenties, I discovered just how much damage can be caused by the “typical guy” way of thinking when I lost my best friend to suicide. This stopped my entire world. My friend had struggled with their mental health for many years, and had a story similar to my own, which was part of what drew us together.

During that very difficult time, I was forced to take a very hard look at myself. I realized that, even before this tragic event, I had not been living. I had been completely outside my own life, just going through the motions, and now I was completely lost.

I realized that I needed to find a safe space to explore my own mental health and take steps to be more present with my life. I needed to offload everything I had bottled up inside.

I found someone to speak with and let it out. It was not easy at first. It took time and a lot of work, but it helped. It helped, and, after a while, I felt like I was not alone in my difficulties anymore.

There is massive stigma surrounding mental health. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, “in any given year 1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental health problem or illness.” In addition, “by the age of 40, at least 50% of the population will have or have had a mental illness”.

One of the most startling findings the CMHA reports is that, of that 50%, almost half will not seek any sort of help for the illness or distress they are feeling.

One of the biggest barriers to seeking help has to do with the stigma surrounding mental illness.

It can seem very scary to ask for help or to sit down with someone to talk about what might be weighing you down.

Sometimes we just do not want to acknowledge that we are in pain or that we are having a problem. Or, it could be that we are uncomfortable acknowledging that we are depressed, or anxious, or both.

You may be worried about being judged as weak.

Regardless of the stigma you may be wrestling with, it is important to recognize that you are not alone.

At any moment, you can look around you and know that fully half of the people you’re with have been or will be affected by mental illness.

If you’re a guy, and you’re hanging out with guys, you may not be able to see that. This is because mental health issues can look different for men. Most of us may not think, or feel like, we are suffering. For instance, depression in men can look like irritability and bursts of anger, rather than the stereotypical sadness and melancholy.

One of the main reasons for this is that we have been told that anger is a more acceptable emotion to show. Because men are taught not to talk about their feelings, we can sometimes feel completely alone–even if we are with a group of our best friends.

Depression in men can also show up as isolation—a dangerous element when coupled with the fear of talking about or feelings. According to HealthyDebate.ca suicide rates for men in Ontario are three times higher than for women.

There are many ways to counter the stigma, for yourself and others, including opening up to friends about what’s going on. You will quickly figure out that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

The path of healing doesn’t necessarily mean you need to talk about what has happened to you. Instead, it can involve talking about how you are feeling, how it’s affecting you, what your body is telling you, and finding ways to heal from there.

I’m Chuck Leblanc, a men’s counsellor at KSRC. If any of what I have described seems familiar to you, and you would like support and a safe space, why not contact the Centre to schedule an appointment with me? Call 613-868-9642 or email info@compassionatesupport.ca