Written by Chuck LeBlanc
Grief is one of the most difficult and powerful emotions we have. Like a raging storm, It can call on almost every emotion possible to show up at the same time. From sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, to shock, denial, and powerlessness. I have dealt with the grief that comes with losing a loved one to suicide once before in my middle twenties when my best friend passed away. I remember so clearly how confused, lost, and sad I felt. I also remember the overwhelming feeling of guilt and powerlessness that came along with it. I kept asking myself “could I have done something more”, “If I had known I could have helped”? All of these questions, including that feeling of guilt, are natural and are ways in which we are trying desperately to make sense of a cruel and deeply tragic event. I carried on in my life weathering this storm of grief for a very long time feeling powerless, guilty, and completely alone.
This week I once again find myself asking these same questions after receiving the news that a dear friend whom I had always felt was a guiding light in my life had passed away by suicide. This individual is someone I thought of daily and is largely responsible for preventing my own suicide at age 14. The love and kindness they showed me guided me towards the profession I am in now and helped to guide me through my journey to get here. Once again, the storm rages as I try to walk through it while attempting to make sense of such a tragic loss. But the same pattern repeats itself with sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, and the deep-rooted powerlessness just asking me to be alone in my grief.
When I first heard the news early in the morning at the beginning of the week my first impulse was to turn my phone off and pretend it never happened. But I knew it did and couldn’t trick myself so easily. My next impulse was to tell my wife so I could find some sense of comfort as the storm raged around me. But when I saw her I immediately felt like I was trapped in a glass box and couldn’t say a thing. Holding back this deep swelling sadness with nowhere to put it I succumbed to the shock of what had happened. I was also completely overwhelmed with how powerless this whole situation made me feel. I spent the day being despondent, hallow, not engaged, almost zombie-like. Internally I kept trying to open my mouth and tell her what happened, but the glass was too thick.
With grief of this magnitude and this tragedy, that feeling of powerless can be the biggest thing that holds us back from trying to get the one thing that will help us heal. Human beings are a species that heal in connection, and I can see now how this feeling of powerlessness and grief was begging me to disconnect. After all, if I didn’t say it out loud maybe this tragic event wouldn’t become real.
The next day my wife asked me if I was okay and I managed to let slip that I was not. That simple statement was all I needed to call her into my grief and reach out for the comfort of the shoulder to rest my head and finally let out all the feelings that were inside. That simple act let me out of the glass box and shattered my denial. Grieving with my wife helped me to connect and create a soft space to lay my head as my whole body was gripped with the process that the storm demands.
Grief of this magnitude is often too much to bear on your own. For men, it can be incredibly difficult to express this grief because of how quickly we put others’ needs in front of our own. It can also feel embarrassing or like we are burdening others with our sadness. But grief is like a storm and is not something you can hide from nor is it something you can squish down and deal with on your own. Like a storm, grief isn’t something you fix or something that simply “heals over time”, it is something you weather or go through. With a storm as tragic, confusing, and guilt-ridden as grieving the loss of a loved one who has been taken by suicide, weathering that grief with those around you brings the comfort of healing together rather than being alone. In essence, when you are grieving with someone who can hold space for you then that feeling of powerlessness has less of a place, and instead, you can open yourself up to actually feeling and processing the difficult emotions that are asking for your attention.
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